We drove through the little towns and townships on the outskirts of our county today. The roads through here are rough and loud and the hot pavement pools into dunes at each stop sign where big trucks have braked for decades in the heat, making moguls from the molten black asphalt, over and over. It looks like everything around us could catch fire until we get close to the river. The dead grass fades into greening terra and big gnarly oak trees and well kept homes that house the farmers in the area. The river feeds all that we know and leaves a vibrant strip of wild blackberries and cottonwoods and it is beautiful when you see it. But it seems like everybody is driving a new truck, and towing a new boat from one of the many lakes and reservoirs nearby. Gas stations are packed with sunburned patrons dropping seized bags of ice in the parking lots, and organizing light beer brands in their coolers. The road looks wet up ahead from the heatwaves. We planned to go on a drive to kill half a day and talk and spend time together. We’re chasing heatwaves today, like an oasis awaits us amidst the mirage. I turned 30 yesterday. I thought life would be more figured out by now, but it appears that isn’t how things work. It’s easy to be 20 and tack a decade onto your imaginary future to smooth over all of the unknowns, assuming that a wash of years will balance out the things that you haven’t been through yet. I remember doing that a lot in the last decade, perhaps a defensive way to think, but incorrect, ultimately.
There is a way of looking at life with a heart that asks for daily bread, according to our Lord’s Prayer. It feels irresponsible at times but that in itself is the challenge. How do we take responsibility for the things on the list of today’s tasks without looking too far off into the week or decade, and beginning to doubt that we are sustained. I pray that God strengthens me in this endeavor.
I spoke with my wife today about this; the idea of a grand life arrival and how it doesn’t exist. We chase perfection. We seek security and safety from all things that beckon, but never find the answer in those pursuits which we can quench with time or money or acceptance. Even friendships and church communities fail to leave us believing that we have it all. We do, it just isn’t always where we look.
Now at 30 it feels like there is a strange storm approaching at the margins of my life. The instinct that everything that seemed so permanent, isn’t. I don’t know what it means, maybe it’s my own bias, like I’m paying more attention and seeing things that have always been there. I guess we’ll have to see.
